FAQ - Fantastically Answered Questions

As you probably know by now, I am a blog fanatic. I love discovering new blogs reading (a.k.a. stalking) them and I would do it all day and all night if I could. And most blogs have an FAQ section where the blogger goes into celebrity mode and answers questions about himself / herself.

Now I have no one to ask me questions about this blog (or about me) even occasionally, much less 'frequently'. But that's not going to stop me from having my very own FAQ page anymore, because yesterday, I happened to channel Theodore Roosevelt and his darling wife Eleanor right after my teatime siesta, and Teddy told me, "Elizabeth! Dizzy Lizzie! Girl! Do what you can, with what you have, where you are, love. Just do it. I just did it in Switzerland." And I told him, "But Teddy Bear, you don't understand. If I have to have an FAQ page, the only option I have is to make stuff up and people will laugh at me if I make up my own FAQ page." And that is when Ellie turned to me and said "Listen up yo punkster! Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. So just do it anyway." And that is when, to the sound of the angels singing the 'Just do it yo' song, I decided to add an FAQ section to my blog. So here goes.

Q: Why did you have to give this really distasteful prologue? Why couldn't you have just written an FAQ page  and pretended that the questions were from real people? This is what a normal blogger would have done.

A: Ah! Because I find it easier to be self deprecating and talk about all the weird things I do, rather than to lie and say that 200 people frequently asked me these 20 questions and that I felt urged to dignify these with a response. My self awareness and candor are my most admirable traits as you can see.

Q: Why is it so important for you to have an FAQ page?  Isn't it enough that your blog in entirety is about you?

A: I want more moments in the sun. So don't rain on my parade.

Q: You call yourself Dizzy Lizzie. Why is that? 

A: Long story short, I wanted to jump off of something after experiencing the thrill of paragliding off of a 4000 meter high cliff and after looking out of a moving train for too long. So I jumped off of a bus, broke my head and got dizziness spells everyday for the next six months. And Thom thought it would be funny to call me Dizzy Lizzie. (Yes, I should sue him for defamation.) You can read the heartbreaking, gut wrenching, terrifying tale of my survival here.

Dizzy Miss Lizzy is also the name of a Beatles song, but that is a pure coincidence. You can see the song here.

Q: You try to be flippant, flaky and funny in your blog, but you are hardly that in real life. Would you care to elucidate?

A: Well, in real life, I try my hardest to be somber, sardonic and serpentine. So all the lightness of being that is inherent in me, but which is suppressed in real life, is allowed to uninhibitedly unleash itself onto this blog. That is why I am such a delight here.

Do not be swayed by this blog though, and try to know me in real life. I am deep, dark and dangerous and unpredictable - like a lone wolf in a Ninja Turtle's clothing.

Q: Do you blog for a living?

A: Right now, I only eat, drink and breathe for a living, with money charitably donated to me by my earthly creator - my father. So for a living, I live with my parents and I am nice to them occasionally. I also buy them coffee mugs and key chains on their birthdays to tell them how awesome they are.

But getting back to your question, in any case, do you think anyone is going to pay me to write this blog?

Q: Ummm... I am hoping that that was a rhetorical question?

A: I could say the same thing to you in response to your statement.

Q: Ok.... moving on, how did Thom make you fall in love with him?

A: By playing hard to get. (If you ask me, it's the only relationship maxim that produces results.) But now I am onto him and I am figuring out how to retaliate. Maybe I'll throw him in 4 ft deep quicksand and then go to Moldova so that he'll be stuck there and I'll be hard to get. Ha!

Q: You are a litttle weird, you know that?

A: Like I have said before, I am not weird. I am Limited Edition. 

Q: You seem a little full of it. What do you think about yourself? 

A: Oh, I think that I am devastatingly, hauntingly, achingly beautiful. But Thom says that my beauty devastates him, haunts him and aches him.

No, he does not mean that as a compliment.

And no, you can't have him how much ever you want.

Q: I love you. If I could buy you anything in the world, what would you want?

A: Diamond shoes. My singular aim in life is to be better than Dorothy from 'The Wizard of Oz'. She had Ruby slippers, so I want Diamond shoes.

Besides that, you can send me anything you like, even waste paper with scribbles on it or cake crumbs in a Ziploc bag. I promise to be thankful for the gifts I am given, though it's only because I have very low standards.

Q: What is the biggest skill you have?

A: The ablity to multi task. Like I said before, I act like Will Smith to be better than Dorothy Gale by chanelling Teddy and Ellie Roosevelt. But what I actually am, is a lone wolf in a Ninja Turtle's clothing. In short, I manage the multiple facets of my personality dexterously.

Q: Which is your favourite television show?

A: Dexter. I like the idea of autocracy and anarchy and indulgence, all for the sake of expunging evil out of this world. Decimate all diabolism - that is my motto.

Q: So, what is the most efficacious solution for all of humankind's problems?

A: Besides going 'Dexter' against all sin, a couple of largish swigs of Benadryl Cough Syrup taken on an empty stomach does the trick best.

Q: You sound pretty desultory. Have you had any formal education?

A: No. I paid off the tooth fairy to give me a Post Doctoral Degree in Nuclear and Particulate Physics with a specialization in Nanotechnology and Molecular Spectroscopy. Are you impressed enough or do I need to use bigger words?

Q: You are a little silly at times. Are you sure you are ready to be entrusted with the responsibilities of matrimonial life?

A: Of course I am ready and waiting with a horse driven carriage to ride off into the sunset of the Tunisian Oasis of Matrimony!

I mean, how hard could it be? You just gotta sign on a sheet of paper, right? I'll make sure that my signature is pretty and accurate.

Besides, my attitude towards everything in life is 'If Will Smith can do it, so can I.' This strong faith has carried me across seas, storms and sand dunes.

Q: Why are there so many typos in your blog? Don't you know how to spell?

A: Actually, this is a real problem. I have written about it here. There are very many words that I can't spell.

Additionally, because of my extreme and mind numbing brilliance, my thoughts rush ahead way faster than my ability to focus on the minutiae of the content of my writing and my spelling takes a beating.

Or maybe I am mildly dyslexic.

What do you think?

I am open to all possibilities, except that the bad spelling is due to sheer carelessness.

Q:  You say that you are very self aware, but you seem to be living in a world of delusions. Why do you think that is?

A: Tina Fey said that confidence is 10 % hard work and 90 % delusion. Since I am disinclined to work hard and I want to be confident, I try to remain as deluded as possible.


Q: In this blog, you have referred to yourself as Elizabeth, Dizzy Lizzie, Liz, Teena, Tia, Ti, George etc... Why do you have so many names? 

A: I want to have an identity crisis and one way of achieving that is by having many many names. So far, it has served me well.

In the same drift, you can call me anything you want. If you ask me, the more names, the merrier.

Q: Of all the people you know, who would you want to be like the most?

A: My father. He has the biggest television of all the people I know. The size of the television screen, to me, is symbolic of a lot of significant measures of the quality and success of life. Also, he is compassionate and kind and funny and hardworking and sweet and wiser than the wisest owl.

Q: What about your mother?

A: My mother is me and I am my mother. (Think of this in a philosophical, abstract way until your fingers go numb.) She sprinkles salt on lime pies and will believe you if you tell her that the burger you bought for her is from a food clearance sale that McDonald's had. She thinks 'Google' is pronounced 'Googly' and that she is meant to be a beautician but unfortunately was forced to be a Medical Doctor.

Like I said, my mother is me and I am her.

Q: Who will you protect to the ends of this earth above all else?

A: My brother. Don't you dare come near him. Don't you dare touch him. I will knock your socks right off. It's the Ninja Turtle talking.

Also, my grandfather. Because he is 81 and full of awesome. He can operate computers and also heavy machinery, kinda like Superman. But he does need my protection. So I protect him.

Q: Doesn't Thom get jealous about how much you love your family?

A: Yes he does. But then I make him Nigella's Old Fashioned Chocolate Cake with extra cream and a cherry on top and all's well with his world again.

Q: I am interested in advertising in your blog. Do you have any ad spaces open?

A: No can do, amigo. I am saving the space to post pictures of Taye Diggs and me doing the Fox Trot in Jamaica. You gotta see them to believe them.

Q: You give a mean interview. Can I interview you for my blog?

A: Of course you can. And you should. Call me on 1-800-PARAGONOFVIRTUE to book a time slot.

I hope I have answered all your questions satisfactorily.

Have a glorious day ahead.

Love,

Dizzy Lizzie

7 comments:

  1. i love it!!! such a cute FAQ page!

    ReplyDelete
  2. :) Thank you. And thank you for visiting!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Where's Oprah when you need her?
    Such a great interview/Q&A session - chatshow host opportunities abound!

    Happy day!

    ReplyDelete

Thank you so much for being here. You must know that I love reading your comments more than I love the idea of baby bunnies eating frosted cupcakes sitting atop a cloud. They make me happy when skies are blue, yellow, pink or grey. ♥